Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.
Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.
Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)
Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Weirdest. Christmas. Ever.
S'all I'm saying about that.
I hope yours is good. Or at least not the Weirdest. Christmas. Ever.
7:33 PM
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Bonomas count, since Wednesday: Tonight thank God it's them instead of you: 4 Baby please come home, baby please come home: 7
Happy holidays to you, too.
Sheesh.
Though, thankfully, still no McCartney annoying chirp chirp chirpy wonderful Christmastime.
Small favors...counting blessings.
Okay.
I'm going to say a few things that might come off, a little, well, ungrateful. Mean. Selfish.
But.
I think they need to be said. I think someone needs to publicly voice a few things that most of us are too polite to actually say.
In real life I am one of those too polite people. But on the blog? Heh heh heh. That's another story. Oh, the power and cathartic beauty of blogging.
I say these things with the hopes of bridging a gap, a chasm, actually, in awareness that is apparently plaguing certain segments of society. The holidays are making that lack of understanding even more obvious and will undoubtedly lead to some hurt feelings (I've got hurt feelings... anyone else mourning the news of no more Flight of the Conchords?)
Okay. Deep breath. (In spite of how it may sound, this isn't easy for me to articulate.) Shoring up courage. Doing it for the greater good...
Okay.
So.
I'm unemployed. As are a lot of people. A lot of people. You probably know at least one person who's unemployed. Most likely you know more than one unemployed person. Maybe you're unemployed. (If you are, I think you'll know exactly what I'm talking about here. I'm doing this for you, for us, the unemployed.)
It's a struggle. A real struggle. The days are torturous. The rejection emails are daggers to the heart. The tumbleweeds rolling around job boards are frightening. The phone calls and emails from friends and family bearing "news" of another friend or loved one losing their job come more frequently than holiday greeting cards. The unemployment compensation checks are meager and dwindling. The 401K has been pillaged to pay rent or the mortgage. Those are just a few, a few of the realities many (most?) of us are dealing with on a daily basis. (If not for you, well, tonight thank God it's them instead of you. Because it sucks. I mean, it really, really, really sucks.) (four people in my immediate family, me, my sister, my sister-in-law, and my niece, lost long-term full-time professional jobs in the past six months. Two cousins and five of my close friends lost long-term full-time professional jobs in 2009. 120 of my former coworkers were laid off with me. By the way.)
I'm "lucky." I got a little bit of severance money and I was able to raid what remained in my 401K. I fear April 15 because of that 401K raid, but, it'll keep a roof over my head for a few extra months. The choice was: Foreclosure and homelessness or deal with the IRS. Hmmmmmm. Decisions, decisions... These are the sorts of things unemployed people are dealing with on a daily basis. In case you were unaware. And keep in mind, I'm lucky. I had a little 401K to raid.
So yeah, not exactly a happy holiday season. We're not simply having a wonderful Christmastime. Tonight thank God it's them instead of you. Goes without saying. So. Please. Please. Make it stop. Make the Bono whine go away, please, I beg of you, make it stop.
But then, there are people who are doing okay. Even thriving. I have two friends who bought new, bigger, nicer houses this year. They are confident their jobs are secure, they have money in the bank and they took advantage of low interest rates and moved into even bigger, lovelier homes than their previous big, lovely homes. Both of these friends were unable to sell their previous big, lovely home but they forged ahead and bought the new bigger, lovelier homes anyway. They're renting their previous big, lovely homes until they can sell them, but, heh heh, they're making money on the rent so they're actually turning a profit in the whole thing. Yep. My friends have become landlord tycoons. Niiiiice. I have other friends who haven't bought new homes, but, they're doing okay. New babies, new cars, vacations...life goes on for them. Recession? Yeah, they hear about it on the news and they know a few people who have lost their jobs, but they, themselves, are unscathed.
I'm happy for them. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. And I truly mean anyone. If it hasn't happened to you, I tell you this with hopes of instilling compassion and understanding: It's far, far worse than you can imagine. The financial issues are obviously terrifying and stressful, but along with that there are things, emotional issues, fears, that are so far beyond any realm of articulation that to attempt to describe it, label it, tie it up in a neat package, risks insulting those of us who are in the throes of it. It's layered, complex, deep and constantly changing. It's an amorphous blob of oozing, infectious, insurmountable issues. And that's just the first few weeks of unemployment. It gets worse after that.
So yes, when I say I am happy for people who aren't unemployed or affected by it, I mean it. I'm not jealous of employed people. Envious, sure. Of course. I miss working. A lot.
My professional self-esteem, which was about the only self-esteem I had, has taken hits that will be difficult to repair. Which is bad, really bad, when you're trying to find a job. Professional confidence is a must. If you don't have it, you better be a darned good faker. I pep-talk my way through applications, cover letters, professional introductions and the rare interview, and I hope the tiny shred of confidence I have in myself is what shows. But with each passing week of unemployment I feel the confidence level drop and those pep-talks are becoming more critical and harsh.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Did I mention that?
And I do take comfort that I have friends, and a few family members, who have jobs and are doing okay, in some cases even thriving right now. In a perverse way their success makes me feel optimistic. At the very least I feel relieved and happy that at least some people in my life are doing okay.
And these are the people I am addressing. These are the people on the other side of the gap, the chasm, of understanding.
Maybe you're standing on the other side of that chasm. If so, I'm talking to you.
Being unemployed sucks. (see above, amorphous blob) Every penny counts. Every penny is spoken for in a strict budget. Holiday gifts? Yeah. Not so much in the average unemployed person's budget. And most of us unemployed people understand that our employed friends and family don't expect or even want anything from us this holiday season.
But.
That doesn't mean we don't feel bad about not being able to partake in the usual holiday niceties. That doesn't mean that we don't feel lame sending email holiday greetings instead of holiday cards. That doesn't mean that we don't feel ashamed and embarrassed about "what happened" to us.
And it certainly doesn't mean that we don't feel stabbing pains of guilt when someone gives us a gift and we have nothing to offer in return.
I thought I laid solid groundwork. Back in October I had The Talk with friends and family. "As you know, I'm unemployed, and I just can't afford to spend money this holiday season. It's going to be very low key for me and I'm okay with that. And I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't do anything for me this year. Your gifts are always lovely and appreciated, but your friendship, especially right now, is the only gift I need."
I know. I know. I mean, it's all spelled out nice and neat and I think quite humbly and inoffensively. I don't think there was any room for interpretation in there, do you? I think it says, succinctly, "Please do not give me a present."
And yet...in the past two weeks I've received gifts from friends who say, "I know 'we' weren't going to do anything this year, but I just couldn't resist/not do something/forget you. It's just a little token/something to cheer you up."
Okay. You know. That's nice. I know their generous thoughts were sincere and well-intentioned.
But.
Under the best of circumstances it's difficult and embarrassing to have someone give you a holiday gift when you have nothing for them.
But.
When you specifically had The Talk with them and they still hand you a gift, it takes on a whole new level of weird and uncomfortable.
Yes.
It feels like charity.
There. I said it.
And yes. I have a little pride and dignity left. Just a shred, but it's there.
And yes, being handed a gift, even after having The Talk (which was difficult in its own right), and being told it's to "cheer you up" wounds what little pride and dignity that remains. I know, I know, the gift-giver's intentions were good. I know. And that's what makes this so difficult and why I would never in a million years actually discuss this anywhere other than on the blog. I know, okay, I know that the intentions are good and sincere.
But. I makes me, and I'm sure every other empty-handed gift receiver, feel bad, guilty and not exactly in the holiday spirit.
Most of us unemployed people are, technically, charity cases. We know this about ourselves. Many (most) of us have never been anywhere close to being a charity case. We were the ones who donated time and money to help charity cases. And now here we are, charity cases ourselves. It's...well...it's embarrassing and weird and uncomfortable and, well, awkward.
Here's the thing: A pair of earrings, a cashmere scarf, silver candlesticks are not going to change our lives.
I know.
Okay? I know how that sounds.
But hear me out on this.
I'm barely hanging onto my condo. If I don't get a full-time job by March I will go into foreclosure. That's an irrefutable fact. Other than filling out job applications, chasing leads on jobs and scouring every job board, list and company web site for potential work, I spend my time sorting and packing my condo and schlepping stuff to a cheap storage locker.
Why? Because I'm preparing for homelessness. I'm getting rid of all but the essentials. If I can't sell it I'm donating it to the charity shops. The last thing I need right now is more stuff to either store or feel bad, sad or guilty about getting rid of.
Those earrings, that scarf, the candlesticks are nice, and I understand they're well-intentioned, and I don't mean to be ungrateful, but after gulping the guilt of not having a gift to give in return, I'm standing there thinking, "Wow. They're really unaware of how bad things are for me right now. I thought I spelled it out very clearly, do they not understand that foreclosure means homelessness and what the heck is a homeless person going to do with sparkly earrings or candlesticks?" (Candlesticks? Really? Under the best of circumstances, candlesticks??? I'm single, I live alone in a tiny condo, I don't throw candlestick-type dinner parties...seems like an odd choice.)
I know my friends well enough to know their thought process. "Poor old Trillian. I feel bad for her. I know she said no gifts this year but I'm going to give her a little something, a treat, a luxury she can't afford, to cheer her up. What's the point of having money if you can't share it with your friends? I want her to take a break from all the depressing and scary things in her life and just enjoy a little something nice, a treat."
And that's really sweet. It is. And I'm grateful. Their kind thoughts are appreciated. That's why they're my friends. They have the capacity to be very thoughtful and generous. And that was the whole point of The Talk! I appreciate and value their friendship. Their friendship is the real gift! I want and need their friendship. Period. A pair of earrings, a scarf, candlesticks...those things are nice but they're not what I want or need.
And because it's very likely I'm going to have to store, sell or donate that "treat," the "treat" becomes a guilt-inducing white elephant.
If you're contemplating giving a gift to an unemployed person, especially if they had The Talk with you, I beg of you, implore you, please, please, please reconsider beaming a huge Merry Christmas smile at them and handing them a gift.
If you're so overfilled with joy of the season and a desire to "do something" for an unemployed friend, especially if they're on the brink of homelessness, consider something useful and usable. A Bath and Body Works gift set, a bottle of wine, something healthy to eat like nuts or fruit, a candle, those are usable, affordable, gifts that have a much lower guilt price tag. They don't require storage and they'll bring small moments of enjoyment to the receiver. Or, better still, take them to lunch or dinner or drinks. You get to enjoy your friendship and give the unemployed person an actual treat, and get them out of the house, to socialize instead of network or interview. A much needed and appreciated treat.
Here's where I'm going to get up on a high horse. If, if, and this is really a big if, you think giving an unemployed person a gift card is a good idea, you need to have your head examined. Unless that gift card is for Target or the local grocery, that gift card is a slap in the face insult to an unemployed person. Hear me when I say this: Most unemployed people do not go shopping. We're not hitting the malls or stores for new shoes or candlesticks or HDTVs. We spend money only on the most necessary items: Rent/mortgage. Food. Utilities. Internet service. Transportation to interviews and job application hunting.
So far this year I've received gift cards from Neiman Marcus, Restoration Hardware, and a posh salon/spa.
Okay. Um. You know.
Oh boy.
This is difficult.
Under normal circumstances, employed circumstances, I don't shop at Neiman's, go to posh spas and to my recollection I've only been in a Restoration Hardware once.
And now that I'm unemployed I'm certainly not going to trot off to Neiman Marcus or Restoration Hardware for a shopping spree, and I won't top off the shopping spree with a few hours at a spa that boasts the most expensive pedicure in town.
I don't know what $25 would get me at Restoration Hardware, but I know it won't get me anything at Neiman's nor will it even cover the tip at that salon.
To the people who gave me those gift cards I say: What the fuck were you thinking???
Oh yes. I am using the f word. Go ahead, do a search of the blog, you won't find many instances of me using it. I don't. Not on the blog, not in real life.
I know. I know. That's how confused, weirded out and yes, insulted, I was to receive those "gifts." Especially, especially after having The Talk. They're not gifts! They're ungifts!
I can't use them. I'm not going to cash my next unemployment check and head off to Neiman Marcus to spend it, or go spend it on a spa day. I'm scraping by, month-to-month, my severance and pillaged 401K money allocated toward my mortgage.
What part of "unemployed during this recession" is confusing?
How insensitive, unaware and stupid do you have to be to give an unemployed person a gift card to Neiman Marcus?
It leaves me utterly speechless. And yes, this friend in question has been known to be a little financially unaware in the past. Her husband has a job that brings in the kind of money that puts them in the stinking rich category. She hasn't worked for almost 10 years and has become very removed, sheltered, from the world where most of us live and function. Still. I thought she "got it." I thought she was at least conscious of "the situation." I mean, there was even a foreclosure in their prestigious neighborhood. (gasp!)
And it hasn't happened just to me.
My sister, who is also unemployed, has thus far received gift cards to Macy's and an expensive restaurant. Maybe the after holiday sales will allow her to use the Macy's card, actually buy something that costs less than the value of the gift card, but, there's no way the gift card to the restaurant will cover a meal and beverage.
I know how ungrateful this all sounds, I really do. And I do feel horrible about thinking this way.
But. The reality us unemployed live in ain't pretty. The normal rules of etiquette do not apply. We try, we try really hard to maintain dignity, self-esteem, and some modicum of normalcy and tact, but when other people are so blazingly unaware of our situation that they do something utterly insulting and offensive, well, I mean...how else can we react?
I'm not proud of feeling insulted or confused about these "gifts." I know the intentions were good, even the Neiman's card was given with sincerity. I am grateful.
And hey, that cashmere scarf will keep me warm when I'm living in a box or a cold homeless shelter and those sparkly earrings will add to my "crazy homeless lady" persona. Maybe I can festoon my homeless person shopping trolley with the candlesticks. That'd be cool! A tricked out homeless person shopping trolley!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
I'm used to being single. So used to it I don't really think about it that much. I mean, I think about being lonely. I am lonely, and that's a by-product of being single. So I guess technically I do think about being single...but, you know, for the most part I've accepted that I am going to be alone, single, partner-less, man-less, single. That doesn't mean I like it, or that I don't get lonely, but, I accept it. Try to deal with it.
But.
Crimony.
What is it about December that makes it seem like everyone, and I mean everyone on the planet is in a relationship except me? It's bad enough that the marketing machine goes into high gear and pulls out all the merry, merry, happy, happy romance and merriness stops. It's impossible to watch television without being accosted by happy! happy! couples exchanging gifts and kisses under the mistletoe and hooking up over a cocktail at a party and buying cars/diamonds/cashmere sweaters/something-from-the-Gap for each other. (This year's Gap holiday ad: Help me understand. I need a translation.) Okay, fine, I won't watch television in December. No problem. Really. Not a problem.
Last year I was still in a weird state of griefshock when the holidays rolled around. I missed my dad too much and was too concerned for my mother to care about all the happy! happy! couples everywhere. And I had a legit reason for declining most of the party invites. I just couldn't do it. I just could not celebrate anything last year. I navigated through the holiday season focused on work and "being there" for my mother. I lapsed into a robotic numbness. And the occasional booze-induced brain-deadness.
This year the holiday reality is crashing down hard on me. They say the first year is the worst but so far this second holiday season isn't easier than last year. I miss my dad. My mother misses my dad. She's sad. I'm sad. I'm sad that she's sad. She's sad that I'm sad. I'm lonely. She's lonely. I wouldn't wish loneliness on anyone and it's unfathomably upsetting to know my mother is now experiencing loneliness. It all sucks.
Doesn't seem to be getting easier to me.
The cemetery where my dad is buried is an old fashioned one with giant obelisks, ornately carved monuments and lots of angels in repose. It's a small town cemetery, and like the small town, everyone knows everyone else, and everyone elses' business, at the cemetery. Last year we put a wreath at the grave. My mother couldn't bear the ordeal so I ended up doing it on my own. I wouldn't have gone through with it, but my mother felt pressured by social decorum to do something, so my dad had a wreath. And yes, given my dad's passion for celebrating Jesus' birth with a house and yard lighting display, that wreath seemed inadequate and kinda lame. Especially when compared to all the other holiday decorations at the cemetery. The neighbors in the plot across from my parents' brought in two fancy potted topiary bedecked with red velvet ribbons. The people in the graves next door had those eternal flame candle things with their wreaths. Our lame little wreath looked pathetic in comparison. Oh yes. Social pressure, even at the cemetery. So. This year I found a solar light-up snowman (nice, not tacky) and put it at the cemetery for him. It seems more appropriate for a guy known for his prowess with holiday lights and a staple gun. We got this evergreen and pine cone thing, too. Our appearances are officially being kept up at the cemetery. Someone at my mum's church took note and complimented my mother on the nice job we did at my dad's grave this year. I kid you not. I'm tellin' you, it's a really, really small town.
When we went to the cemetery I took a walk around. Cemeteries don't creep me out, especially that one. It's actually quite a pleasant place, lots of trees, a pond, some interesting sculpture. One of my mother's friends had knee surgery and wasn't up to putting the wreaths on her family graves this year so I volunteered to do it for her. Their family goes waaaaay back. Many generations represented at their plot. All neat and orderly lined up, generations of couples buried side-by-side.
Crimony. Even at the cemetery everyone's coupled up. Even among dead people I'm the only single person.
Realistically I know there are other single people out there, there must be. But. Where are they? (and where are they buried?) Where do "we" go during December? I cower inside as much as possible, but, I do have to go out for groceries and the occasional errand. And there are a few social obligations where you have to at least make an appearance. Surely I'm not the only single person who dares to step out in public in December.
One good thing about being unemployed: No horrendous office holiday party. Big woo hoo to that. I'm celebrating that I don't have to "celebrate" the holidays with my former coworkers this year. No potluck luncheons, no grab-bag or secret Santa gift exchange, barrage of lame light-up holiday sweaters and ties, no coworkers drinking too much at the holiday party...really, there are good things about being unemployed. I know, I know, that sounds so Grinchy. But c'mon, really, do you honestly enjoy your company/office holiday party?
My former company often had a holiday party where "guests" were invited. "Guests" meant spouse, same sex partner or serious boy/girlfriend. You didn't bring a friend or a rent-a-date. You just didn't. It was an unspoken rule that only "serious" dates were allowed. My first year there I nearly committed a fatal holiday party sin by taking the "guest" invite literally. I was going to bring a guest, a friend, to the party. Fortunately my friend came down with a horrible stomach virus so I went solo. That's when I learned about the unspoken "serious" guests only rule. Whew. Thank goodness for that stomach flu. So the few of us singles were forced to either sit at a singles table or force our way into a table of couples, thus creating an empty seat at the table. On more than one occasion I was given the stink eye and even comments over daring to sit, unaccompanied, at a non-singles table. "You're going to sit here? With us? That'll leave an empty chair." (How rude! implied.) As if that explained everything. That'll leave an empty chair. Oh, right. Okay. We can't have that. Silly me. What was I thinking? Ultimately I found it easier, less humiliating, less obvious, to just head straight to a singles table and deal with Lester the Star Wars geek from finance who for fun like Yoda talks, yes, and the weird woman who worked the night shift in the call center who takes her crochet projects everywhere she goes, even the holiday party. I'm tellin' ya, being unemployed does have its upside. And not having to endure an evening at a singles table at the company party is near the top of the list.
But even though I'm not going to work-related events, or even attending that many holiday parties with friends, I'm being affronted with happy! happy! couples everywhere.
I assume all the smart single people are hiding indoors until January 3. But I dunno. It seems like they'd have to go out for groceries or the post office or something. But maybe not. Maybe other single people have perfected their holiday strategy. (Home delivery for groceries. Stock up on stamps in October. Do online shopping and shipping. Turn down all party invites. Take the entire month of December off work.) Because they're certainly not anywhere I've been.
I'm happy for other people who are in a happy! couple situation. Really. I'm happy! for them. Sure, envious, too, but more in a curious way than a green-eyed monster way. (Envicurious, I call it. Curiosity borne of envy. You see someone doing or in possession of something you want, which makes you ponder, "How'd they do/get that?" Envicurious. Why is that not already a word?) I just wish they'd take it down a notch in December instead of turning it up. Some of them are just arrogantly, callously flaunting it. "Look at me! Look at us! We're a happy! happy! couple during the holidays, just like a jewelry commercial on TV!!" Yes, we're all so impressed. And look at me! I'm a spinster buying store brand cereal and something reputed to be an antacid cheaper than the leading national brand. Hey, at least I'm no longer buying cat food. I miss the furry creature but at times like those grocery store moments in line with nothing but happy! happy! couples, I'm glad I'm not buying cat food and Lean Cuisines. Been there, done that, saw the pointing fingers and heard the snickered whispers.
And then this year Bono is wailing all over the place. "Tonight thank God it's them instead of you..." and "Baby please come home, baby please come home." How can we put an end to Bonomas? I was out for all of 45 minutes today and I heard him twice. Once in the grocery and once at Walgreen's. I'm going to start keeping track. I swear there's something going on, it's Bono, Bono, Bono wailing everywhere I go. Is 2009 the year of the Very Bono Christmas? Is this some attempt to make the holiday less frivolous because of all the bad news? Like I said, I'm glad I haven't been tortured with McCartney's Christmas thing chirping annoyingly all over town, but Bonomas is taking it a bit too far. Things are bad, the economy sucks, unemployment rages on, foreclosures rates are still soaring, Afghanistan...yes, things are bad. And the last thing any of us want to hear is that weirdoannoying "wonderful Christmastime" ditty. But. Bono making us feel guilty or sad and lonely isn't the anecdote. Haven't we suffered enough? Aren't we suffering enough? It's putting me in an even worse mood about the holidays. I know. I'm in a really bad mood about Bono lately. I'm tellin' you, it's the whole Bonomas thing. It's gettin' to me. I don't want to be in a bad mood about Bono but the wailing must end. Accept. Forgive. Heal. Peace. Love. Duh.
What we need is an island. A place for single people to go during December. No couples (or Bono) allowed. Or better still, another planet, in another galaxy, a place where singles can roam freely and watch television without being affronted by happy! happy! couples flaunting their happy! happy! coupledom at innocent lonely single people.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
I found one of the happiest places on planet earth.
I know! I know!
Do tell, Trillian, do tell!! How do we get there? Will we need a GPS? Road food? A Snuggie®?
No; if you want a snack I suggest Twizzlers; and, well, you might want to pack your metaphoric Snuggie®.
Let me start by saying I've been to this happy place in the past. And it was pretty darned happy. But it's even happier now.
This time I saw many wondrous things. Many happy, happy people all hopped up high on positivity and fun. Just one enormous Free to Be You and Me festival.
I saw a girl in a skirt adorned in lit lightbulbs. A couple dressed as Snow White and Darth Vader. A lot of Furries. (A lot of Furries.) People with battery operated Christmas lights coiled around them.
And a guy with an overly large glowstick shaped like a penis strapped over his jeans. (You could even say it glows.)
And that was just on my way to the bathroom.
And no, this wasn't Halloween or a costume party. And no, for the most part, I think most of these people were not terribly drunk or high.
Nope.
This is just a normal crowd at a Flaming Lips show.
Freakfest? Some people think so.
The couple in front of me certainly thought so. They were there to see the opening act, Pete Yorn* and found all the FLipFan business strange and uncomfortable. They were shocked and disgusted by the glowstick penis. (okay, I mean, maybe, maybe that was in questionable taste, but, you know, from a distance it just looked like a large glowstick...) Apparently unfamiliar with the Furry movement, they didn't understand why so many people were wearing big fluffy animal costumes. (Did I mention there were a lot of Furries?) They were troubled by the Christmas light festooned crowd.
And they were really confused and I think a little scared by Wayne Coyne's Bubble Boy entrance. They huffed and "well I never"ed, put on their coats and beat a hasty retreat out of there.
Okay. You know. It's not for everyone. I get that.
But.
What I don't understand is the intolerance for what is (for the most part) innocent fun. The Lips' catchphrase, "I experienced the Flaming Lips live and became a better person because of it," is true. But. Only if you let it. I'm sad and sorry for that couple who couldn't just let the experience happen and roll with it.
And yes, you do have to just roll with it. It's not, you know, a usual concert. But that's the beauty. Let go, leave your judgment behind and take in the sights and sounds around you. Just: Be happy. Be positive. Bask in the warm glow of the confetti and balloon strewn room.
Almost anywhere else a guy with a glowstick penis would look like a douche or a drunk frat boy (though not mutually exclusive, not all douches are drunk frat boys). But there, for a few hours, he was part of the experience, just hap-hap-happily bopping around to the music, his glowstick penis flapping to the beat.
Something about Lips music appeals to really nice people. Nice people who don't listen to LiteFM. Sure, much of Lips' music is pretty positive and "nice." But then, so is Barry Manilow's and I'm guessing you don't see giant glowstick penises and Furries at Barry Manilow shows. There's something more to the Flaming Lips. I've yet to put my finger on what exactly it is that attracts crowds full of nice but not LiteFM people to their shows.
And yes, yes, I know, I know. There are drugs. I know. But. Honestly? I've seen much more heavy and widespread drug use at much more mainstream, "normal" shows. (Do not ask me what I saw at the Aerosmith show last summer. Shudder.) If I had to guess, I'd estimate 25% of the crowd at the Flaming Lips show was high on something other than the excitement of the evening and the music. I only got one whiff of pot during the entire show. The beer lines weren't even that long. In fact, the servers at the bar near my seat were bored because they had no customers. No one around me was drinking anything other than water or pop. And yes, there were college kids willing to drink crap beer around me.
And that's when it hit me: Accept. Forgive. Heal. Peace. Love. Duh. Duh! The Flaming Lips use their music and shows to wrap people in Snuggies® of compassion and voila! a room full of happy people. I know. I know. Sometimes I'm a little slow with the obvious. If you count Pitchfork this was my fourth Lips show. And always the whole, "Wow, the Lips have really nice, albeit a little, uh, creative, fans," realization left me wondering what it is about them that attracts nice, okay, a little "creative" people.
Duh. It's their (Wayne's world, for the most part) willingness to put themselves out there. Willing to make fools of themselves, take a risk, (vocally, Wayne ain't exactly American Idol material), and put on the show they want to show. Confetti cannons and all. And I'm not a fan of confetti cannons. But ya know what? Like a giant glowstick penis, somehow it seems ironically apt at a Lips show, so much so that it would be weird without it.
The point is, it's their willingness to not be Aerosmith or the Killers, their dare to be nice at the risk of not being cool attitude that resonates.
They're leading by example. They don't slap their niceness in anyone's face, they maintain a sense of humor, tolerance and humbleness about themselves. (Bono are you listening?) (And yes, yes, they laugh all the way to the bank, and then some, by selling out to the highest product bidder wanting to use their songs on television ads, but that's a blog for another day.) They just are nice and positive. They don't stand up there preaching and yelling at the audience to shell out money for their cause du jour, they don't make anyone feel guilty and bad about themselves for not being born impoverished and malnourished and sickly. (Seriously, Bono, are you listening?) The Lips just are nice and positive and fun. And yes, yes, a little quirky and certainly not musically for everyone, but I dare anyone, anyone, to listen to When you Smile and not end up, well, smiling. With a warm, glowsticky gooey feeling in their heart.
Sure, She Don't Use Jelly is not exactly something you want to sit around listening to with your great-aunt-Mildrid and her church group. Duh. But. I am nearly certain Do You Realize would go over well with that group.
Here's my ringing endorsement: I like the Flaming Lips. My high-school aged niece likes the Flaming Lips. And my senior citizen mother likes the Flaming Lips.
Take that, Bono. My mother thinks you're wearying and my niece thinks you're an old, irrelevant fogy. I still think you have one of, if not the best, rock and roll voices this side of Mike Ness but both my mother and my niece have valid points.
Okay. Since I'm on this tangent, let me step out of my compassion and tolerance for a minute: Since when did Bono's signature wail become standard Christmas music fare? I hear him wailing, "Tonight thank God it's them instead of you" and "Baby please come home" more than I hear Rudolph and White Christmas. I haven't (blessedly) even heard that nerve shattering, cringe-inducing McCartney Christmas thing yet this year, but daily, twice and thrice and even more daily, I've been subjected to wailing Bono. What's up with that? Did Bono buy Christmas? Or did someone give it to him? Can we make it stop? Can someone at least give him a swutting Snuggie® to comfort and calm him down so he'll stop wailing guilt-inducing rants and tear-jerking laments? I mean, you know, yay for no annoying McCartney Christmas inanity, but heck, at this point I'd even settle for George Michael (or was it Wham!?) over all the wailing Bono I've been subjected to lately. And generally, I like Bono's voice. I can only imagine what this holiday torture must be like for non-Bono advocates.
And that's another thing. Would it really be so horrible if Bono was, you know, happy once in a while? I realize the world sucks, believe me, I know there's a lot of crap in this world. But crimony, after an evening with the Lips it's blazingly obvious that making a positive impact on the world starts by being positive and making people happy. I'm pretty sure making people feel guilty, and like crap for not being poor or sick or homeless, or reminding them of a really painful breakup is not the way to make the world, or even a few people, happier. (Is there anyone left on the planet who has not sobbed their way through With or Without You post-breakup and henceforth always associates that song with that breakup? Anyone? Anyone? Didn't think so. Do we need to hear it anymore, then? Didn't think so. The entire world would be a happier place if With or Without You was never played in public or on the radio again. I wonder how many ill-advised drunk dials have resulted from With or Without You being played at a bar. You're with me on this now, aren't you?) Wayne Coyne's got it right. Being critical of other people, especially your audience who paid a lot of money to be there, is not the best way to make a positive impact.
Yes, believe me, yes, I understand the anger borne of frustration. I get it. But yelling at me, being critical of me, making me feel bad and guilty, isn't going to do anything except spread the misery. The people you're telling me about are miserable and now I'm miserable. Thanks, Bono. Glad I paid $150 for cheap seats with a view of the world's biggest jumbotron (compensation issues, perhaps?) for to feel guilty and ashamed and sad. (Okay, not me, personally, I didn't see them on the recent tour...but...I heard...about "it." I heard it was huge. Staggeringly huge. I saw photos of it. It looks enormous. The biggest one I've ever seen. Huge enough that the price tag just for the electric bill was probably higher than that third world debt Bono goes on and on about all the time. I'm not calling Bono a hypocrite (or, well, yeh, I guess I am) I'm just sayin', you know, a little self awareness and humility about your jumbotron might be in order if you want that martyrdom you are so clearly seeking.)
At War with the Mystics is primarily about George W. and the Lips' anger and frustration with him. Did you know that? A lot of people don't. And it doesn't really matter. Not really. The messages are universal. Be nice. Don't abuse your power - whether or George W. or a middle-manager at Acme, Inc. This is a big, overwhelming Universe, don't try to tackle it all at once, just be responsible for yourself. No one "gets it." We're all frustrated and not cool and kinda scared. Even Bono. But getting angry is really nothing more than a bullying tactic to cover up insecurities. I'm not calling Bono insecure (or am I?) but the criticism and I'm-so-compassionate-and-you-should-be-too-if-you-want-to-be-cool-like-me attitude is, well, to use my mother's assessment, wearying. Compared to Wayne Coyne's "Holy crap, what the heck is going on here?! Oh man, I'm not feeling very good. It's big and scary and geeze, this world is one messed up place with some disturbing people...someone hold me...let's all take a minute to have a happiness time-out and have a few laughs and some fun and enjoy each others' smiles." And at least for a few hours everyone in that place is feeling positive and accepted.
Is there really anything better than that? Any better anecdote for all the crap in the world?
Which do you think will have a bigger impact on an average concert-goer? Being criticized and preached at for two hours by the coolest guy who ever lived who comes out in clothes so hip they hurt with the biggest jumbotron in the world (compensation issues?) and sings about war, love, fear and responsibility in his divinely created rock voice; or sharing some laughs and fun with a guy who wears an ill-fitting retro-but-not-in-a-cool-way suit and rolls around in an inflated bubble and shoots a confetti cannon while singing about war, love, fear and responsibility in a sometimes warbled oddly pitched voice?
Instead of preaching and yelling and using guilt and shame and holier than thou tactics, a la Bono, the Lips have this hippie trippy quirky way of questioning themselves and the world while, gasp, smiling and maintaining a sense of humor. (I know, I know, I'm really ripping on Bono. It's all that "Thank God it's them instead of you" and "Baby please come home" ringing in my ears. Accept. Forgive. Heal. Peace. Love. Duh. Give that man a Snuggie®.) And that's what's so special about Flaming Lips shows. Oh sure, the glowsticks (penis and otherwise), the costumes, the Furries, the Christmas light adorned fans, the Bubble, the confetti, the balloons, sure, it's all a bit silly, but so what? It's fun.
It's happy.
I do feel better for the experience.
No one judged me, no one criticized me, no one made me feel guilty for not being born in the third world. How can you be critical or judge anyone who is at a Flaming Lips show with you? You're all there, together, at a Flaming Lips show. Furry arm-in-arm with a guy with a glowstick penis arm-in-arm with, well, me. Judge not lest ye be judged. (Oooooo, that's very Bono of me, isn't it? All preachy and scripturey. Sorry.)
And no one got angry or agitated or filled with rage at the world. Not the band, not the attendees, not the security people, not the beertenders, no one.**
And what do you know? I'm all happy and warm glowy and smiling and feeling a lot more positive about the human race. That arena was packed. Packed. I'm guessing everyone, even the Pete Yorn fans who dared to stay, are feeling the same way I am. At the very least they're laughing and telling their friends about the wackiness they experienced. Positive impact without negative criticism.
Cool.
*Oh. And. By the way. I'm a huge Pete Yorn fan, now. You have been warned. He did something to me. Something good. Something very special. Something I enjoyed very much. Something I'll remember for a very long time. Something I will cherish and cling to the memory of on long, cold, lonely nights.
**And if they were ill-advised drunk dials as a result of a song or two, I'm guessing there were of the "I forgive you and I love you and I didn't like the way things ended, I'm sorry if I hurt you and I hope we can both remember the good times and see the bad times as learning, growing experiences" type instead of the "I KNOW IT'S BEEN 8 YEARS BUT OH GOD I CAN'T LIVE WITH OR WITHOUT YOU AND MAYBE JUST ONE MORE ROLL IN THE SACK LIKE WILD FERAL CATS WILL BE GOOD FOR BOTH US" type.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
From the Universal Mysterious Truths I Want Explained to Me file:
After weeks of being uncooperative, unmanageable, unruly and out of control, why does hair suddenly cooperate and look great (better than it has pretty much ever) the day you have an appointment to get it cut?
Are the hairs clued into what's about to happen? Does the eminent danger of being cut, severed from the head that gave them life, scare them and snap them out of their complacency? "Oh my gosh, she's really going to cut us! Come on, girls, come on, we've got to remind her why she was letting us grow! Give it all you've got! Ladies in the back, you know what you need to do, show that cowlick who's boss! Errant curl in the front, gently coil, gently, gently, now, coil fetchingly to the side of the eye and cheek, that's right, gently! You know how she hates it when you spring all over the place and hang in her eye! This is it girls, time to shine! Shine, ladies, shine like you've never shined!! Convince her that we can work with her! Make her believe in us! This is it! If we don't pull this off we'll be severed from the life-giving follicle, callously strewn about the salon floor and finally swept into a dumpster with all the other unwanted hair!" (audible gasp)
"She wouldn't do that to us!"
"Oh yes she would! It happened to my cousin! And remember Jillian over there in sector 8? Remember how she was the chosen one, the highlight? Yeah...look at her now. After that last haircut she's never been the same. No shine, no glory, just a snip of what she used to be."
Surely there's some deeper significance to this, right? Some pithy lesson like, "Be thankful for what you've got. Look deeper than the surface. Look at a problem from all sides. I dunno. Something. It's on my list of questions I want answered.
11:57 AM
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
On the upside, when you're unemployed if it's snowing it's a snow day.
Now, if only I could find a way to translate my snow angel making prowess into a paying career...
9:53 PM
Thursday, December 03, 2009
It's official. The Universe is testing me.
Or, failing that, perhaps something along the lines of serenity now!?
I'm going to step away from my Snuggie® doling place of positivity for a moment.
Belgiuming swutting mother-Belgiuming Hoosier State Troopers.
I swutting hate Belgiuming Indiana. Always have. Always will.
Crossroads of America? Take a look at a map. More like armpit of America.
Okay. Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity now.
Accept. Forgive. Heal. Peace. Love. Duh.
Deep breath in, exhale slowly out.
Giant metaphoric blanket of compassion for everyone in the entire state of Indiana, yes, including the fine patrol officer who pulled me over on the Indiana Toll Road and spent 45 minutes harassing me.
Maybe, maybe I was driving slightly over the speed limit. But I'm not sure because the speed limit wasn't posted in the area where I was driving. He claimed it was a work zone and the speed limit is under the 45 MPH law.
If I'd seen any sign, and I mean any sign of construction - a stripey orange barrel with a flashing light on top, a flashing yellow arrow, a sign stating "CONSTRUCTION ZONE", a sign stating, "45 MPH," a sign stating, "WORK ZONE, FINES DOUBLED," a sign with a funny looking round-headed guy with a shovel, a DOT pick-up truck, an actual road worker, loose gravel, heck, even a lone sandbag split open and flapping in the breeze in the median, any indication that construction was taking place - I would have been driving 45 MPH. I'm a safe and considerate driver that way. I don't mess around in construction zones. I just don't. I'm Ms. Courteous and Safe Driver. I really am. So safe and courteous that even without any indication of construction on the Skyway I was driving 55 MPH while everyone, and I mean everyone was passing me so fast they were blurry and made that whooshing Chuck Yeager noise. I know better than to drive above the posted speed limit on the Skyway. I know the speed limit is 55 MPH. I also know Hoosier troopers don't mess around with Illinois, Michigan and Ohio drivers.
Sidebar: What the swut is a Hoosier? I mean, I know it generally means hick or dolt or lackey, but really, what is a Hoosier? And furthermore, Indianans out there, please, explain to me why you're so swutting proud of being hicks/dolts/lackeys that you go around calling yourselves Hoosiers? Is it because you want to come off all humble and full of humility and aww shucks-y? If so, you're misguided. So. Stop it.
Okay. So. I was driving a rental car with Michigan plates. Through the fine state of Indiana. Near the fine city of Gary. Home to US Steel and Michael Jackson and the stinkiest stretch of highway in the United States. Those three facts are related and not coincidental. Accept. Forgive. Heal. Peace. Love. Duh. Accept. Forgive. Heal. Peace. Love. Duh. Accept. Forgive. Heal. Peace. Love. Duh. Accept. Forgive. Heal. Peace. Love. Duh. Okay. So. I'm rolling along, cruise control engaged at 55 MPH exactly, cars and trucks are flying past me at speeds that made me feel like Mr. Magoo in a Model A with Jetsons-esque spacecars whizzing by me, complete with the whooshy blippy noises, and Sgt. Imaprickwithabadge comes darting up behind me, nearly rear ending me. Me, the one going 55 MPH while dozens of cars are Jetsoning by me, Sgt. Toobigforhishoosiersuit magnetizes his HoosierTrooperMobile to my bumper. I looked in the rear view mirror and smiled. I nearly waved to him, all pleasant and happy-like. Because I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was all "60 miles from Chicago, a full tank of gas, half pack of Twizzlers...what a lovely day for a drive, the snow is falling and I'm driving a rental car with a mere 1,200 miles on it, an iPod adapter and front and rear speakers to break in." The only thing, the only thing I may have been doing "wrong" was listening to the stereo too loud.
Had I been in a residential area a) I would not have had the stereo at amps at 11 volume and b) I wouldn't have been listening to Planet of Sound. Because it's scientifically impossible for me to listen to Planet of Sound at a volume lower than permanent hearing loss, PHL, levels. But because I was driving on a stretch of highway through the middle of swutting US Steel I felt pretty confident that blaring the Pixies at PHL levels is not an infraction of any local laws. And as far as courtesy goes, a car driving along the Skyway through the middle of US Steel while the occupant blasts Planet of Sound at PHL levels is the least of the local population's problems.
So I'm all "Good day officer, how's it going back there, la la la..." not even bothering to tap the brake or decel the cruise. I mean, I was going 55 MPH, the only one on the road traveling less than 70 MPH. Why would I even worry about the Hoosier Trooper magnetized to my bumper, right?
Well, next thing I know Sgt. Wasteoftaxpayersdollars has his lights and sirens flashing.
My reaction? "Oh dear, there must be an emergency somewhere, I'll pull over and out of his way."
You're probably a lot smarter than I am. You probably know where this is going. You probably know no good is ever going to come of a Hoosier Trooper magnetized to your bumper on the Indiana Toll Road with lights and sirens flashing.
But since I had absolutely no idea that I was doing anything wrong, I was all little miss innocent and confused when I pulled over to let him pass me and noticed that he pulled over, too, and was getting out of his Hoosier Patrol Mobile.
"Afternoon, Ma'am." I hate getting ma'amed. Hate it. So that put me in a bad mood with this guy.
"Hi."
"Do you know how fast you were driving?" I hate that ridiculous question. Does anyone, anyone ever answer that question honestly when they get pulled over? Why do they insist on asking us drivers if we know how fast we were driving? Obviously if we're driving fast enough to get pulled over by a state trooper we either know we were over the legal speed limit or we don't know what the legal speed limit is or we have a broken speedometer or we're drunk or stoned out of our minds and have no clue we're even driving a car let alone how fast we're driving it. In any or all of those cases there's no way anyone is going to answer truthfully. The correct and I'm guessing only answer to that question, in the entire history of driving, is, "No, officer, I'm not sure how fast I was driving." What comes next is divergent upon the driver and the circumstances. Some people start nervously blabbering on and on, some people cry, some people get sarcastic with the officer, some people meekly shrug, some people try to stay calm and say as little as possible.
I take the silence is golden approach. Less is more. That is, on the occasions when I've been pulled over. And there haven't been many of those occasions. Thankfully. But kind of oddly considering I have a bit of a lead foot. Except on the Indiana Skyway where I always set the cruise at 55 MPH. Yes. Okay? Yes. I have a tendency to drive fast. Okay? But only where it's safe to do so. Only on highways where there isn't much traffic or back roads in the middle of nowhere. I would never, ever endanger anyone else. Sure, I like to drive fast, but I like to drive safe, too. And I always obey the speed limit on the Indiana Toll Road where I always set the cruise at 55 MPH. My dad taught me a lot. A lot. A lot of useful, practical stuff. One of the first things I learned from my dad was that you always, always drive the posted speed limit in Indiana and Florida. The local highway authorities in those state don't take kindly to out of state plates, especially Michigan plates.
On our many road trips I observed my dad slow the car down the second we crossed the Indiana border. My dad habitually drove 95 MPH so when we hit the border and he slowed it down to 55 MPH it always felt like we were entering another dimension, falling over the event horizon of a black hole like on Star Trek when time stands still. It seemed like we all started talking sloooooower and deeeeeper until no one said anything and gravity inside the car got all wonky. Adding to that effect was that my mother always, always sighed and said, "Indiana. In-dee-annnna. Sigh. Indian.Ah. (pause) You know they don't observe daylight savings time, here. Stubborn. And I can never remember if they're Central or Eastern time. So I have absolutely no idea what time it is. (looking at her watch and the dashboard clock, all nervous-like, eyes darting from watch to clock to billboards, like a frightened victim in a Hitchcock movie looking for some sign, some escape) It's Summer, so it's either 10:15 or 11:15 or possibly 9:15. Hurry up and get to Chicago, dear. Indiana confuses the children. (another pause) And it smells. Kids, remember to hold your breath through Gary. You don't want to catch lung cancer from the steel mills."
I kid you not. Every time we drove through Indiana my mother recited that exact speech. Every now and then I call my brother and impersonate my mother giving that speech. It makes him laugh and reminds him that he's due for therapy. The phrase, "Indiana confuses the children" lives in infamy and perpetuity in my family. Of course. How could it not?
Never mind that we lived within smelling distance of Detroit and Flint, we spent summers swimming in Lakes St. Clair and Huron and our dad smoked Chesterfields. The eminent danger of the smell of Gary looming ahead of us cast a sinister and serious pall in the car. One minute we were rolling along at 95 MPH playing car bingo, singing along with the radio, friendly little cartoon bluebirds whistling outside the car windows, all snug and secure in the knowledge that we knew exactly what time it was and the next minute we were all helter skelter about what time it was, abruptly slowed down 55 MPH making gravity inside the car all wonky, observing radio silence, and scared witless about "catching" lung cancer.
Welcome to Indiana.
You know, my mother is normally a very sane, intelligent, thoughtful, logical woman. The voice of calm and level-headed reason. But the second, and I mean the second we crossed the Indiana border she got all funny in the head. She does have a thing about knowing what time it is. I think the whole Indiana Summer time defiance thing messes with her mind.
So.
I have pre-existing issues with Indiana.
But.
I know, I learned from my dad, you always, always drive 55 MPH in Indiana. No matter what time of year it is or how bad Gary smells, you risk catching lung cancer and drive 55 MPH.
Hence my confusion as to why Sgt. Prixalot was asking me if I knew how fast I was driving.
"Yes, sir, I had the cruise engaged at 55 MPH." Big smile and outstretched palms of the innocent motioning toward the speedometer.
"Uh-huh. I'll need to see license and proof of vehicle insurance."
"Um. Okay. But can I ask why? What did I do wrong?"
"You were in a construction zone. Construction zones are 45 MPH. You were driving 10 MPH over the limit. I don't know how you all feel about worker safety in Michigan, but here in Indiana we put the safety of our road crews at a paramount and fines are doubled in construction zones."
I already had my wallet out to pay the tolls. I handed him my license. "Construction zone? I didn't see a construction zone. Or a construction worker. Or a posted speed limit sign."
I know. I know. Okay? I know. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid thing to say. Never, ever insinuate that you're right and the officer holding your driver's license is in any way wrong. I know this.
But I was confused. Bewildered. Flummoxed. And a little scared. It was a rental car and I had no clue where the proof of insurance was. I assumed the glove box but I couldn't find it in there.
"The toll road is under construction from LaPorte to Hammond."
"Oh. Ahhhh. (affecting an air of logical explanation) See, I got on it at Lake Station. If it was posted at LaPorte I wouldn't have seen the signs. And, honest, officer, I haven't seen anyone working on the road..." Outstretched palms of the innocent gesturing to the workerless shoulder of the road.
I know. Okay? I know. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid girl with an Illinois driver's license driving a car with Michigan plates on the Indiana toll road. I know. Okay? I know.
"Chicago, eh? Chicago. How is it you have a Chicago driver's license and Michigan tags?" he said this looking over his Clint Eastwood sunglasses.
"Rental car." I said. I think I may have implied a "duh." I'm pretty sure I didn't actually say "duh" but I can't be positive that I didn't roll my eyes, thus implying "duh."
What happened next can only be explained by the fact that I am the Universe's whipping girl, scape goat and longest running joke. Yes. The Universe is bullying me. I hate to sound (or be) paranoid, but how else can you explain that even though I turned down the car stereo when I pulled off to the shoulder, suddenly, the jangly weirdo opening guitar of Motorway to Roswell came blaring, and I mean blaring out of the car speakers? Okay, it can be explained thus: I had my iPod plugged in and I had turned off the volume equalizer for sound-a-rama on my Michiana road trip. Regrets? I have a few. But still. What are the odds that at the very moment that Sgt. Womenhavehurtmeinthepastandmyunderwearisridingupmyass started badgering me for the proof of insurance Motorway to Roswell would come blaring out of the car stereo? I mean, on that very same iPod there's some Bob Seger, sure to be a Hoosier Trooper favorite, there's some Tom Petty, he sings about Indiana. But does the Universe blast Seger or Petty the exact moment Sgt. Igetoffonharassingmotorists bent his head down and toward the open window to look me in the eye and reprimand me for not finding the rental car proof of insurance? No. No, the Universe instead decided to have a laugh at my expense and blasted out Motorway to Roswell at the precise moment Sgt. Wedonttakekindlytostrangers stuck his face in the open car window in preparation for a reprimand.
The very second he opened his mouth to start a speech about the responsibilities of driving a rental car and what to check for before you leave the rental car lot, out blasted that jangly guitar intro, which is silly-sounding and seemed like I was mocking Sgt. Ihavenosenseofhumorandhaventbeenlaidin10years.
And to make the situation even worse, while I was fumbling in the glove box for the proof of insurance, my iPod, tethered to the dash, fell between the passenger seat and the console between the seats. So I couldn't just hit stop.
Instead I grabbed at the cord and attempted to pull it out of the dash. But it was a brand spanking new car and my cord fit really snugly into the dash hole. (I like that term, by the way. Dash hole. Hee hee hee.) In all the nervousness and weirdness of the moment I couldn't get the thing unplugged and ol' Frank was screaming, "Last night, he could not make it, last night he could not make it...HOW COULD THIS SO GREAT TURN SO SHITTY..." and that guitar was jangling away, and crimony, the whole situation just kept getting worse. It seemed like the "turn so shitty" part was a lot more loud and well pronounced than I remember Frank singing it in all the times I've listened to it in the past. But maybe that was just my nerves effecting my hearing. Indiana. It messes with your mind. Ask my mother.
And still no proof of insurance.
At this point Sgt. Imgoingtomakeanexampleofyou had had enough.
"I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car, ma'am."
Again with the ma'am? Really? Really?
I knew better than to protest.
I didn't like getting out of the car and I didn't see any reason for him to ask me to get out of the car and every urban legend and horror story I've ever heard or read about policemen turned bad and fake policemen and evil doings in hayseed counties flooded my brain. "I'm going to die. In Indiana. On the toll road. Near Gary. At the hands of a pissed off psycho Hoosier Trooper. At the very least I'm going to catch lung cancer standing out here in the open air. I hope he does rape and kill me because that would be quick, and hey, at least I'd get to have sex, and since I'm probably catching lung cancer standing out here on the side of the toll road in Gary, rape and murder would be better than a long, drawn out lung cancer death."
"I'm sorry officer, it's a rental, like I said, and just give me a minute and I'll call the rental car company and we can get this all straightened out in no time."
"I'm going to need you to get out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Whoa.
Whoa.
Hang on just a cotton-pickin' Hoosier second.
A breathalyzer?
I do not drink and drive. Ever. Never. Ever. Not one sip, not even a rum ball if I'm going to be anywhere near a driver's seat within 24 hours. I. Just. Don't. Do. It. Never have, never will. It's like, I dunno, a commandment to me. Thou shall not drink and drive. Period.
So I was not only surprised and confused by his request and insinuation, I was also insulted.
"I'm sorry about my stereo, officer, really, but I have not been drinking."
I know. I know. Okay? I know. Stupid, stupid, stupid girl with an iPod malfunction and no proof of vehicle insurance.
Then, suddenly, I remembered my rental car agreement. Ah-ha!!! That shows that I signed for insurance!!! So I reached into my bag to find the rental car agreement. The ratty old starred bag, which suddenly looked like a stoner girl's bag, a bag of weed would look totally natural falling out of it onto the car seat. The ratty old bag would look totally at home on the seat of a '78 Camaro. I'm tellin' ya, Indiana, man, it messes with your mind.
Sgt. IhaveweaponsandIknowhowtousethem had no patience or tolerance for my fumbling around in my bag and apparently he thought I was going to pull out a gun or knife or mace. He backed away from the car and yelled, "Keep your hands where I can see them! Step out of the car! And keep your hands where I can see them."
Seriously.
Having never been in a "keep your hands where I can see them" situation I was more than a little, um, what's the word? Oh yes. Petrified.
I managed to grasp the rental agreement as I pulled my hand out of my bag. I put up one hand and said, "It's just the rental agreement," and slowly handed it to him with my other hand.
"I said step out of the car."
I was still really, really, really, really uncomfortable with that.
Every instinct, every feeling in my gut, everything about this seemed, well, wrong.
Maybe, maybe I was going 55 MPH in a 45 MPH construction zone. I'll give him that. Maybe I didn't see a construction zone sign and maybe I deserved a 10 MPH over the limit, doubled in work zones, ticket. I don't think deserved it, but let's just say I did. Okay, fine, give me the ticket, and another one for not having proof of insurance on a rental car, and that's that. A big day for this guy, I would think. Why the breathalyzer? Why the "step out of the car?" Why the "keep your hands where I can see them?" All because of the Pixies blaring out of the car stereo? I dunno. I'm not usually so suspicious, but my antennae were tingling, big time.
But there he was, yelling at me to get out of the car.
So I did.
He took the rental car agreement and told me to move to the rear of the car and to put my hands on the trunk. I hoped that Hoosier squad cars have video tape rolling at all times so that if Sgt. Pulloverinnocentwomenandthenrapeandkillthem tried anything it would at least be caught on tape. So the guys back at the station could enjoy it, too. I made sure to stand right smack in the middle of what I hoped was the squad car camera lens. (I've seen COPS a few times. I tried to recall the camera angles from the squad car tapes they show on COPS.) Sure enough, Sgt. ThisishowIgetoff came back and administered a pat down.
And yes, he spent a little more time than I think was necessary on my chest and butt. But how do I prove that? How much time does a thorough boob and ass pat down officially require? And, how firm do the pats need to be? I will say this, Sgt. Gropeandfeel had a light touch. A little too light if you ask me. A little too, this makes me feel creepy and dirty, um, well, a little too sensual. I'm used to the female TSA agent frisk. Pat. Pat. Pat. Swat. Pat. Done. Have a nice flight. This guy was more tap, tap, tap, tap, wiggle, tap, wiggle, tap, ooooowhathavewehere?anipple? tap, tap. I mean, I dunno. There's gray area. I didn't do anything wrong in the first place, certainly nothing to warrant a pat down, and for that reason alone the whole thing is suspect. But, on the other slim chance, the guy was (albeit overzealously) doing his job. And he didn't manhandle me. Maybe, maybe he was trying to be polite? Is there such a thing as a polite roadside frisk? Yeah, I didn't think so, either.
Sidebar: I've been pretty humiliated in my life. I think it's fair to say I've already endured more, and more types, of humiliation than the average person experiences in an entire lifetime. But standing bent over and pressed against the trunk of a rental car on the side of the Indiana Toll Road with US Steel exhaust billowing in the background while being frisked down by a Hoosier Trooper is a form of humiliation I never thought I'd get to experience. Once again, one more time, all I could think about was my parents. Hanging their heads, my mother shedding tears, my dad trying to console her and flashing me disappointed and angry looks, "A good neighborhood. The best schools. Church on Sunday. Girl Scouts. Summer camp. Music lessons. Art lessons. Math tutors. Encyclopedias. Travel. Orthodontia. Good shoes. Love. Affection. Encouragement. Support. Where did we go wrong? Where? Where Trillian? How did we fail you? What did we do to you? How did this happen? What's wrong with you? Why are you doing this to us?" Yeah. Shame. It's a bitch.
Realizing I'd already sunk to a new and different low of humiliation I took the breathalyzer. And passed. Of course. I haven't had booze in a week, and that was two (small) glasses of wine.
Sgt. OooopsIdiditagain seemed disappointed that I was alcohol-free.
And then something truly bizarre happened.
He handed me my license, rental car agreement and told me he would let me off with a warning but that I should remember that the Indiana Toll Road is under construction and the speed limit is 45 MPH and fines are doubled in work zones.
And that was that.
I got back in the car and pulled back onto the highway, set the cruise to 45 MPH, cars and trucks whooshed by me even faster than before, and I crept, slowly, back to Chicago with the stereo volume all nice and civil. Appropriate for a residential area on a pastoral Sunday morning.
After all that. After all the "Because I Wear the Badge and I Said So" nonsense, the frisking, the breathalyzer...after all that, he just gave me a warning and sent me on my way.
Not that I'm complaining about not getting a ticket. I didn't do anything to deserve a ticket in the first place. (I triple dog dare you to find any, any sign of construction or road work along that stretch of road. And what about the people speeding along a lot faster than 55 MPH??? Huh? Huh? What about them??) It's just...I mean, huh? What the...???
If it was "just" so Sgt. Hoosierdaddy could, um, heh heh, cop a feel, wouldn't he make a bigger deal of it? I mean, borderline sensual pat-down notwithstanding, he didn't really "get" much. I've had more intimate encounters with people crowded next to me on the El. I know, I know. Never underestimate the mind of a pervert. I know. It's shocking how little it takes to get some guys off. I know. (And yet...do I ever manage to date a guy who has such low standards or desires??? Noooooo, I get the guys who have complex needs and desires specific to only 2% of the female population and 10 page (8 point type, single spaced) lists of requirements that eliminate me from anything more than a first date or casual fling.) He didn't "do" enough to warrant me filing a complaint, and really, did he "do" anything to me? I mean, apart from the humiliation? Ahhhhh, the humiliation. B-I-N-G-O and Bingo was his name, oh. Getting off on power. Forcing someone, a woman, to do what you tell her to do. Niiiiice. Nice work Sgt. Ihaveissueswithwomenandareallysmallpenis.
The joke's on him, though, in some respects. He had no idea who he was messin' with. Humiliation? Yeah. Being frisked on the side of the road was a new kind of humiliation for me. But humiliation comes natural for me. By the time I rounded curve at the Field Museum I was over it. Even now, reflecting on it, I'm not feeling especially violated. I've endured worse. Even if he did get off on his little magic fingers pat-down I'm not particularly "upset" about it. On the list of Humiliating Experiences I've Endured it'll end up pretty far down in the tally.
But I am mad to think a creep like that could get a badge and it disturbs me to think that sort of behavior exists and is perpetuated. I shudder to think about what other, less fortunate women, have endured by more forceful, more intrusive men behind a badge. But for me? Meh. He lives in Indiana. That's punishment enough. By tomorrow I'll have wrapped him in a Snuggie® of compassion and sent him on his way to the back of my memory. But not before giving the world a warning about a creep patrolling the Indiana Toll Road.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Tell me somethin' good...about Michigan!
Betcha didn't know that Michigan is home to the Magic Capital of the world, did you?
Yep.
It's not just an illusion...
Colon, Michigan is the official Magic Capital of the World. Harry Blackstone called Colon home and training camp for his traveling show. He's buried in the local cemetery. Actually, now that I'm on the subject, the Harries Blackstone, senior and junior, make for some interesting reading. Blackstone senior filled the void left by Houdini, but, with a twist - Blackstone had a sense of humor about the whole thing. Child protective services probably wouldn't go for this today, but, Blackstone senior indoctrinated his son into the world of magic showmanship as an infant. Harry junior was used as a prop in Harry senior's shows. Just observing and reporting. Not here to judge. Times were different back then...and it didn't seem to adversely affect Blackstone junior.
He went on to have a thriving career in magic, too. My parents took me to see his show when I was a really little kid. He freaked the crap out of me. Not just his magic tricks, but he, himself, the man, freaked the crap out of me. And yet...I found him oddly compelling...oh yes, he was a magic man. (Cue Heart guitar intro.)
My brother developed some pretty impressive sleight of hand skills thanks to Blackstone junior's magic kits. (And my brother's young assistant and pet cat helped a lot in honing his skills, too. Ahem.)
Harry, senior, was born in Chicago but is buried in Michigan. Blackstone, junior, was born and buried in Michigan. Magic Michiganders. Cool.
And, they make more than cars in Michigan. Michigan is home to Abbotts, the largest manufacturer and distributor of magician supplies in the world. Seriously. Check out their site. I promise you'll find something you want. And I promise you'll find a lot of things for the Harry Potter fan in your life.
I read the Harry Potter series and like it, but, I'm not really into magic and magic tricks and all that. (See above, crap freaked out by Harry Blackstone, Jr., at an early and impressionable age.) So I can't really comment with any degree of knowledge. But. From a purely innocent, objective observer and somewhat wary perspective, I have to admit that Colon and Abbotts are pretty darned cool.
Every summer there's a festival with magic tricks and shows galore. Even for those of us who are not really into the sleight of hand it's a lot of fun. And hey, how often do you get to send a postcard from Colon? A magic postcard from Colon, no less. Sweet.
Michigan rocks.
We tip our bunny filled magic top hat to the Harries Blackstone, Magic Men of Michigan, and Abbotts, we salute you for proudly keeping your wand in Michigan.
8:41 AM
