Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.
Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.
Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)
Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero
Saturday, April 24, 2004 Do You Déjà Vu?
So everyone doesn't experience déjà vu.
Okay.
Huh.
I just thought it was part of the human condition.
Apparently not part of the condition of the humans who read this blog.
Maybe I am experiencing past life regression.
Maybe I am psychic.
Maybe I should pay more attention to the paranormal sites with déjà vu references.
Or maybe I am more mentally ill than I thought.
Maybe I should pay more attention to the mental health sites with déjà vu references.
Or maybe I am suffering mini-strokes.
Maybe I should pay more attention to the MD sites with déjà vu references.
Or maybe I am in fact epileptic.
Maybe I should pay more attention to the neurology sites with déjà vu references.
Or maybe, just maybe, you should be going to those sites wondering why you don't have déjà vu episodes. Maybe it's not me. Maybe I'm the normal one.
Yeah. Okay. I know. I'm never the normal one.
Still.
I am very surprised (and even a little worried) about how many people wrote to me saying, "You know, I've never experienced déjà vu. What's it like? Does it hurt? Why is it scary?"
Oh, the things I've learned by blogging.
I've just been going along, living my life, thinking déjà vu is just part of being human. "It happens to everyone."
Apparently it does not.
Apparently when someone says, "Ever get the feeling you've done this/been here before..." most of you give them a blank look, shrug and say, "No."
Is it something about people who read this blog, or maybe blog readers in general, some personality trait blog readers share, that they do not experience déjà vu?
Now, after reading that many of you have never experienced déjà vu at all, much less with anything that could be construed as frequency, I'm more determined that ever to get to the bottom of this.
If I'm mentally ill, psychic, epileptic or having a series of mini-strokes, I think I want to know about it.
The research will continue with increased vigor and zeal.
In answer to what's it like, does it hurt, why is it scary?
I can't really explain it. It feels like a memory, only a memory that you know you don't have - like you're living the moment in double time. Or just a feeling that you've done this/been here before, but at the very same time, in tandom, you're thinking, "no, I've never done this/been here before this very moment." And that's the disconcerting bit. The actual episode itself isn't scary, it's the aftermath that's usually worse. You try to just move along, forget it, but it's sort of difficult to just forget about it. Because you're dealing with memories - you can't just forget about it. That's the whole thing with déjà vu, you're "remembering about it."
Strong episodes can be overwhelming, I've had a few that were so strong I had to just stop what I was doing and wait for it to pass. Why? Because the "memory" was so strong I couldn't move or speak or even just observe without "seeing" or "knowing" I'd done it before, and hence, what was going to happen in a split second. And while not being freaked out by it, for one not prone to psychotic episodes, this sort of thing is more than a little disconcerting. And in a few of those instances, I have actually felt dizzy or "frozen" - unable to move for a few seconds. (for instance the time in the car with the map in Scotland with HWNMNBS - I could not concentrate on the map, couldn't even move my finger out of the way for HWNMNBS to see the map. I was frozen in double memory time. I have no idea how long we sat there after he took my hand, I think just a few minutes, but it seemed like a really long time.) Fortunately, these very strong, momentarily debilitating episodes have only occurred a few times.
Does it hurt? Well. No. Not exactly. I'm prone to motion sickness (can't ride sitting backwards in trains or cars) so any feeling of dizziness can bring on a queasy stomach. And sometimes my eyes "feel funny" like I might be getting a headache, but it passes quickly.
Is it scary? Hmmm. Short answer: No. Long answer: In the moment, during the actual episode, it's very disconcerting and at times scary. No matter how many times it happens, there are those few seconds when you think, "Swut! What's going on here? Swut, what's going on here? I've been here. been here. No I haven't haven't. Stop that! Stop that!" You might close your eyes tightly, hoping to block it all out, to stop the episode. Blink and it will be over. And sometimes it is. But usually it continues for a few more seconds. And thinking that you are losing your mind, that you have no control over your thoughts or memories, even for a brief period of time, is not the most pleasant experience.
I have talked to other people about it, outside the blog. All three of my visiting friends last weekend confirmed they've had déjà vu to one extent or another - one just slight feelings of having been somewhere before, the others have had much stronger episodes. One has experienced the same frozen/dizzy in the moment feelings I've had.
So either the four of us are friends because of our mental illness/psychic abilities/neurological condition, or this does happen to people except the ones who read this blog.
What about that? The coincidence is very interesting to me.
Are you a representative random sampling of humans?
Or just an huge coincidence that many of you do not experience déjà vu?
How can I find out? I pondered.
I know! I'll start asking my dates if they've ever experienced déjà vu!
Two dates, one yes, one no.
I will add the column on the chart. What? You don't know about The Chart? Or you forgot about it? Check back if you want to keep up with 50 First Dates. I took last weekend off, but I'm back, baby, boldy going where no woman (or sadly, too many women) have gone before.
50 First Dates is getting to be one big déjà vu experience to itself.
Ever get the feeling you've had a really horrible date?
Ever get the feeling you are doomed to spend your life alone, unloved, unable to find a person to love and share life?
Ever think you will never again share a good, deep, stomach achingly hard laugh?
Ever try to fill an huge gaping void left in your heart and life?
Ever miss the one that got away so much you can't stand yourself or life anymore?
Go on a few dates, I promise you'll understand déjà vu.
Thursday, April 22, 2004 Ever get the feeling...
I've been doing a little research on déjà vu.
Okay.
A lot of research on déjà vu.
Because it's been happening to me a lot lately.
a lot lately.
Okay.
It's been happening to me a lot for a long time.
As long as I'm coming clean I might as well get behind the ears, too.
I distinctly remember my first conscious déjà vu episode.
Come with me, it'll be fun.
You're a four year old girl. Ooooh, cute dress! I love pinafores. It's a pleasant Fall afternoon, you're alone in your grandparents' garden, your mum is just inside with your grandparents preparing lunch to bring outside. You're riding one of those old fashioned oversized tricycles round and round in circles on the garden tiles. (Mind you don't go so fast you get dizzy and an upset tummy!) Bright yellow leaves are gently falling. One lands on your shoe as you peddle. You stop peddling. You brush an errant curl away from your face. You stare at how vivid and beautiful the yellow leaf is against your blue shoe. And now it hits. You know you have experienced this very exact moment. The tracks made by the tricycle. The exact shape and color of the leaf. The new blue shoe. You've seen all of this. Except how could you? These are brand new shoes and you've never been allowed alone in the garden before today. The pleasant Fall day suddenly seems sinister and eerie. You don't feel so good. You want your Mum.
Now.
I told you it would be fun.
I told you it would be fun.
I've had lots of déjà vu experiences since then, some as vivid, others fleeting and lost to time.
No, I do not think I am experiencing past life regression. Nor do I think I possess any psychic abilities. (Except when it comes to HWNMNBS, and that's something else entirely. Though if this is to be a clinical analysis, it may be useful to someone to note my strongest, most disconcerting déjà vu experiences have happened in his presence. I do not think there is any connection other than he is the one person with whom I am truly comfortable and not "on guard" in any way, so in his presence my mind is free to wander wherever its damaged little self wants.) Right. Apart from an "it happens too frequently to dismiss" ability to "know things" about HWNMNBS, I do not claim to have, nor do I believe in psychic abilities.
Well. Maybe "don't believe" is too strong. Never say never. I am open to the idea or possibility there are people who have odd abilities, who am I to judge? But until I am given undeniable proof positive I'm a firm skeptic and loud cynic.
Right. Then. Getting on with it.
Déjà vu happens to everyone, right?
Right?!
I think so...
It seems to happen to everyone. There's certainly a wealth of research on it, and lots of information available. All of it inconclusive, but all pointing to exactly what I have always suspected but been too afraid to find out for sure.
One of the first things I learned is that it is very frequently misspelled (Kilgore the Grammarian will pounce all over this) as déjà vous or dé je vous or dé ja vous. Read and learn: From here on out you will spell it déjà vu. Whenever possible you will include the accent acute ( ´ ) (option e character on Mac) and accent grave ( `) (option tilde (~) character on Mac) (you windows freaks have to hold down the alt key and type the cumbersome numeric code: 0233 for é, 0224 for à). And yes, those little ticks have names. Make friends with accents acute and grave. And while we're on the subject of characters, if you're going to use über, swutting well give it its umlaut. (option u u on a Mac, Windows freaks hold down the alt key and type 0252.) And that's another thing: Naïve has an umlaut (option u i for Mac, windows freaks hold down the alt key and type 0239) so put it there. Your Keyboard, Your Friend.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? I have this weird feeling I've said this before...
This common misspelling led me to wonder why this very common "phenomenon" is given a poncy French term, déjà vu (literally: already seen), in the first place.
Since this is a mental "affliction," why not a German phraseology in keeping with Dr. Freud's tongue, "bereits gesehen?"
Yeah. That's more like it, isn't it?
Bereits gesehen.
Oh sure it doesn't roll off the tongue quite like déjà vu, but there are no pesky characters to type and it's scarier sounding. And certainly in no way romantic.
"I've got the creepiest feeling of bereits gesehen!"
It sounds unsettling and even serious, perhaps requiring clinical attention complete with colored pill ambiguously advertised. "Ask your doctor about the Cloud Embossed Pill."
"Okay. Doctor, what is this Cloud Embossed Pill I've heard so much about?"
""Ever Ever get get the the feeling feeling of of déjà déjà vu vu??""
""Yes,, Yes,, as as a a matter matter of of fact fact I I am am experiencing experiencing it it right right now now..""
""Good Good God God man, man, you''ve you''ve got got bereits beriets gesehen geshen!!""
You're with me on this now, aren't you? You weren't sure at first but now you're thinking, "by Jove, she's onto something there."
Why a French term?!
Is it because the French, so quick with their wine, cigarettes and cheese suffer more bouts of delirious anxiety? Drunken disorientation? Mini strokes? So frequently they coined a term?
Could it have been a drunken morning at Montmarte that sparked the term déjà vu?
"Eh, Pablo, wake up!"
"Bah, leave me alone, Modi."
"No, Pablo, really, wake up. I feel really weird. Like we've done this before."
"We have done this before Modi, we're Bohemian painters in early 20th Century Paris. We smoke many unfiltered cigarettes, get hammered every night and wake up on the ground still drunk in the morning. Then to cure our hangovers we start drinking again. Besides, I'm Spanish and you're Italian, we're immune to those French diseases like syphilis and déjà vu. You've been hanging around with Henri too much. Crazy French bastard."
"No, Pablo, really, I knew you were going to say that. I am seriously freaking out."
"Bah. You're always seriously freaking out. Have a drink and pass me the absinthe."
Déjà vu could easily be mistaken for something naughty grown-ups do. In fact there is a chain of strip clubs named Déjà Vu, proud members of the Strip Club Network (or SCN, I'm not kidding) (you must be 18-years-old and not pornophobic to click on that link). Oh the poor misguided afflicted hoping to find relief or insight to their déjà vu episodes and innocently type in www.dejavu.com (you must be 18-years-old and not pornophobic to visit that site). I have to laugh at the irony of this, because if you've already seen these girls, you know they're sleaze bags, why pay to see them again? Oh yeah, it's déjà vu!
"You know Earl, I have the strangest feeling I've been here before...There it is again! I knew GinnyLyn was going to bend over, stick her bum in our faces and snap her thong! I just knew it! It's like we've been here before! And I knew you were going to put two dollar bills in her thong! Earl, this is seriously freaking me out, man!"
"Wayne. We have been here before. Last Friday, and the Friday before that, and the one before that. You ain't havin' one of those fancy-ass French diseases, what's it called?"
GinnyLyn, giving the boys on the other side a view of her bent over back side, nonchalantly lifts her head and says, "déjà vu" and then returns to her routine.
"Yeah! That's it. Dang GinnyLyn, you're smart, no wonder you're entertaining to pay your way to the community college."
Ever get that feeling you've been here before?
Ever get that feeling you wish you hadn't come here in the first place?
Can someone please put a label on this thing?
Then there's the issue of where to classify it. Is it a phenomenon? An affliction? An episode? No one can agree on what it is, consequently it's impossible to agree on how to classify it.
You never thought about that before, did you? Well I did. And it makes researching more than a bit difficult and tedious when you don't even know where to begin. The medical sites gloss over it, the psychic phenomenon sites are just stupid. The most information is on the neurological sites, and they offer so much or so little and all contradictory, and in various terms, they pose more questions than answers. Sadly I still haven't found any conclusive answers. But I've now infected the Universe with this and I'm kind of pleased about that. At least I'm no longer suffering in silence or alone.
Right. I found the briefest and easiest to understand run down of déjà vu, what it is and what causes it on How Stuff Works They refer to Dr. Funkhouser's oft cited report. Go here if you're interested. I like Funkhouser because of his name, because he appears to be the "leading expert" on déjà vu, and also because he quotes Dickens (and anyone who quotes Dickens is okay in my book):
We have all some experience of a feeling, that comes over us occasionally, of what we are saying and doing having been said and done before, in a remote time - of our having been surrounded, dim ages ago, by the same faces, objects, and circumstances - of our knowing perfectly what will be said next, as if we suddenly remember it! Dickens in David Copperfield
Bingo. Exactly. That's what I'm talking about. And it's got to stop. Because it's really bothering me.
Why? What's the big deal, you ask?
Because let's face it, a lot of experiences I have are not exactly the sort you want to experience more than once.
For instance: Listening to my (needs a new nickname) boss make a complete idiot of herself and take me down with her is bad enough the first time. Thinking I've experienced it before, including the dumbfounded and mocking looks on our clients' faces, is beyond frightening.
It's bad the first time, worse the second. It doesn't get better in the re-telling. Particularly when the re-telling is only in your mind. And you are aware it's only in your mind, yet you relive it in second by second replay.
Am I losing you here? Good. Now you know how I've been feeling lately.
As if I know everything but not enough.
Too much but the insignificant.
Confused but enlightened.
If this déjà vu were offering me something practical, like, say for instance, winning a mega million dollar lottery (no, I don't buy them, but if I déjà vu-ed myself buying a winning lottery ticket I'd plunk down the money) or quitting my job because I'd been offered a new and better job, I'd be in a much better frame of mind (sorry, weird pun) about it.
But I don't live in the Twilight Zone, or least the happy ending neighborhood of the Twilight Zone, so instead I keep re-experiencing things like: Standing in the elevator with those two girls from payables who are always together, and knowing right down to the tiniest detail what they're wearing and saying, and that the elevator is going to stop on 11 and no one will be there and the girl in the brown skirt will say, "huh, I wonder if they got sick of waiting and took the stairs."
Or: Standing in the laundry detergent aisle at Walgreen's wondering if Tide with bleach is okay to use on anything other than white clothes and why they don't sell Persil in America.
Or: Riding Riding the the train train reading reading the the Sunday Sunday magazine magazine insert insert and and realizing realizing I'd I'd forgotten forgotten to to bring bring my my daily daily supply supply of of SlimFast SlimFast..
Yeah.
These are the moments to cherish. The moments we want to re-live. The times of our lives.
(I nearly wrote this entire post in déjà vu, but even I got really annoyed and bored with it. You're welcome.)
What has me all worked up about this, what concerns me most, is that this is all about memories - not suppressed, repressed or regressed, but that these moments are somehow getting snagged in the process of recording and so they are being recorded twice. A commonly recognized theory, by the way, and the one I think most plausible.
No big deal, you say.
Think again.
Alzheimer's, senile dementia - I know, extreme, but even normal aging causes the memory to function differently. It stands to my way of reasoning that these double recorded images will be the ones which are stronger and therefore more easily accessed when the memory begins to fail.
And that's what's got me all worked up about this.
I do not want to spend my old age only able to remember my (needs a new nickname) boss or the girls from payables, or the elevator or laundry detergent or for swut's sake, SlimFast.
And no, for me this is not about a wake up call to get out there and live life to its fullest.
That may be the case for some people. If you are one of them, get out there and make some memories. They won't all be good memories, but you'll be a lot more interesting at the nursing home. If you end up strapped in a chair next to mine you swutting well better have something good to babble incoherently.
But I'm doing a pretty good job of living life. While I may not be living it to its fullest, or successful at it by the usual gauges, it's not as if I'm living a mundane life - I haven't, and I'm not. In fact for me, that's a lot of my issue with this. I've got loads of more interesting things to remember. Perhaps not happy memories, but at the very least interesting memories. Déjà vu worthy memories.
For the record, I have reached a conclusion on the Eternal Sunshine issue: No. I wouldn't do it. For this very reason. If/when I am old and senile, and pull up these double burned memories, I am very pleased to think that some of my more prolific déjà vu-ing has occurred in the presence of HWNMNBS. Those are the memories worth keeping. They seemed weird and disjointed at the time, disconcerting and even scary, but they will include HWNMNBS and that's probably an okay thing.
Yes. I am okay with that.
For instance, that night driving in the middle of nowhere in Scotland, in the middle of the blackest of black night, trying to find our way on not much more than a footpath of a road, when I could scarcely concentrate on the map because of the strong déjà vu feelings, and HWNMNBS getting frustrated with me because of it, then realizing I was upset, taking my hand from the map and holding it?
While not my favorite memory with him, it's a good one because it sparks lots of other memories and I can nearly feel his hand in mine. And unlike Joel in Eternal Sunshine, I've never forgotten those times, as disconcerting as the affliction/phenomenon/whatever is, it's given me loads of vivid memories.
I'm happy about my earliest déjà vu experiences, because those moments are as real and vivid to me now as they were then. Yes, the uncertain, scared feelings emerge, too, but apart from that it's a good memory of a happy place with people I care about and don't want to ever forget. I never hurt any animals. I never got caught jacking.. oops. This isn't about a movie. This is about a real issue. Déjà vu. Haven't we talked about this?
But my (needs a new nickname) boss making an idiot of us? The elevator? Persil? SlimFast? Not exactly sparking other good memories - or any memories at all.
So this must stop. I do not want to be double burning the mundane minutia while the fun, funny, interesting memories go recorded only once or barely at all.
Research. Lots of research.
Trusty drkoop.com didn't have much to say about it, however I did finally find out what the Purple Pill cures: Heartburn. I know. I was disappointed, too. Why the fuss and big secret on all those television commercials? We're all supposed to be asking our doctors about the Purple Pill, and now I find out it's Alka-Seltzer in purple pill format. Seems like they should have saved the big mystery health hype guns for something really serious.
"Ask your doctor about the Purple Pill."
"Okay, I will, I better! This sounds serious and the adverts are really confusing and ambiguous so it's probably something really big and scary!"
And yes, I know, heartburn is no fun and I'm sure people suffer with it and I'm not mocking heartburn sufferers. But it doesn't warrant a big scary ambiguous ad campaign. Sorry hearthburners, it's just not cancer or heart disease or an STD.
Stop me if you've heard this one before...
Further digging, more time spent online researching a topic than is healthy, I found out what I've long suspected, the commonly suspected reasons for déjà vu? Fatigue, stress, injury, strong emotional connection (extreme good or bad) epilepsy or mental illness. Let's see: Fatigue? Check. Stress? Check. Injury? Check. Epilepsy? Safe there, no check. Mental illness? Probably. Half a check.
But emotional connections? To boardrooms and elevators and the train and Walgreen's? Swut I hope not.
Because déjà vu is a great unknown, with inconclusive research results, there is no cure. Except to not become overly fatigued, stressed or injured, and to not have mental illness or epilepsy.
As we all know, I don't sleep a lot. Even less with the arrival of my new neighbors in the apartment below mine. I have more than a little stress in my personal and professional life. And I did have a rather nasty concussion last Summer. Mental illness, well, that's open for discussion. Define illness.
An action plan is easy enough:
Tylenol PM.
Learning to say no.
And meaning it.
Taking better care of my health.
Assuming I don't have a mental illness unless they come to take me away. Ha ha.
But the emotional connectivity thing, though, that's a tough one. What to do about that? I don't go around making emotional connections to mundane places, people and things. But obviously my (perhaps ill) brain does.
Just don't notice the mundane, you say.
Um, yeah. I would if I could. My life would be a lot easier if I just didn't notice half the stuff I notice. There's a lot to be said for blissful ignorance and selective blindness and deafness. Blessed are those who don't notice stuff, for they walk in peace, harmony and a complete lack of awareness or conscientiousness and will therefore never question humanity.
And I bet they don't suffer with frequent bouts of déjà vu, either.
Guide Note: Did you get the notice about gmail? The new Google email service? Yeah, I dismissed it too. Then I got another "try it!" announcement. Guess what? There is one good thing about it: All the good names are not yet taken. I snagged trillian@gmail.com. Go hog your cool email name while it's still available! (you can write me there if you want)
