Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.
Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.
Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)
Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero
Monday, July 19, 2004
Consumer Goods Manufacturers!
Do you want to safely transport your goods to retail outlets and direct home delivery?
Do you want a tamperproof method of packing?
Do you want to do all of this economically?
Do you want to frustrate and annoy your customers to the point of institutionalization?
Do you produce an odd shaped but attractive consumer good?
Now you can quickly and economically tantalize your customers while annoying them!
Watch! As consumers excitedly view your products in retail establishments! See! Them salivate with anticipation as they look at your product through clear plastic! Thrill! As they excitedly pay for and leave the store with your item! Laugh! As they try to open the swutting thing when they get home! Cringe! As they injure themselves with sharp objects!
Yes, all this can be yours when you choose blister packing as your preferred method of packaging!
I understand why this method of packaging consumer goods is so popular. Safely transport items, tamperproof, relatively economical.
But.
For those of us who do not actually own a Sawzall or any other heavy duty power cutting equipment, blister packs are the ultimate in consumer torture.
You go to a retail establishment. Or maybe one of those membership warehouse clubs. And there, in shining, vivid reality is an item you didn’t know existed but now cannot live without. You know you cannot live without it because you can see it.
Blister packed consumer goods are the masters/mistresses of seduction. They wink at you through the clear plastic. They beckon you with a curling finger. "Hey you. Where've you been all my life? Look at me. Oh yes. Look at me through the plastic. I know you want me. You want to touch me, don't you? Buy me and I will be your slave. I will do things for you which you have only fantasized about late at night. When you're all alone. Buy me. Take me home. You will never be alone."
The only thing keeping you from handling it is a thin sheet of plastic. Which in the store makes it all the more tantalizing. It's part of the seduction. Like a veiled woman. Only without the gossimer blurry effect. Because blister packed consumer goods have nothing to hide. They are perfect. The fluorescent lights shine and glint off the plastic, accentuating the features of the item encased inside the blister pack. The item, no matter what it is, takes on a newer than new, shinier than shiny, sleeker than sleek look. You may have thought you might like the item, but now you Must. Have. It.
You buy an item, anything. Name anything and there is a way to blister package it.
Blister packaged items tend to be exciting things. Things you cannot wait to get home to open. Things you need to open within 10 feet of exiting the store.
That’s part of the Blister Pack Experience. (oooooh. The good band names just keep on coming...) It’s right there, right under a flimsy piece of plastic. Open it! Open it now! Get it out of there! Set it free! It’s yours, you bought it, now get it out of there! Don’t just let it stay in it’s hermetically sealed, airtight, pristine environment! Let it out! Let it breathe! Touch it! Caress it! Play with it!
A frenzy will ensue as you try to tear open the package with your bare hands.
Silly human.
Don’t you know your mortal powers are useless against the blister package?
Some shaking and perhaps throwing down of the item may follow.
Some may engage human's oldest tool: Teeth.
Mortal vulnerabilities are now becoming apparent.
Some may give up (sensibly) until such time that a sharp object can be used in the extraction process.
Others, more eager, more Y chromosomed, will continue to toil, tug and tear at trying to open the blister pack. Even though they know their attempts are futile.
The item remains calm and aloof in it’s secure chamber of plastic.
It is smug and coy. It can wait for you. It is patient. It’s been hanging on a peg in a store for a long time. Another hour or two only adds to the game of seduction.
Yes.
Blister Packs are: Consumer Goods Foreplay.
And be warned: Some of them are into the kinky stuff - they like it a bit rough. A little of your pain adds to their pleasure.
You made them wait on that peg in that store, now you will pay with pain.
Still other consumer goods use the blister pack as a chastity belt.
“I’m pristine and unused, fresh and new, a virgin. You bought me, I’m yours, but first you have to unlock my chastity belt. And there is no key. You’re on your own. I’ll be here waiting for you when you finally get it open. Until then, please be gentle with me.”
You get home. You get scissors. You think, “This’ll do it, oh boy! I can hardly wait to play with/use this really swell consumer good which has been tantalizing me all the way home.” Some people will carefully attempt to cut the perimeter of the blister package, thinking, “I better keep the packaging as in tact as possible just in case I need to return my consumer good.”
Silly human.
Your inferior powers of reasoning amuse us.
Don’t you know your mortal intelligence is nothing compared to that of the blister package?
If scissors actually cut the blister package (I have broken several pair of scissors attempting to open blister packs. Silly human, I should know my tools are inferior and useless.) shards of plastic will twist and protrude from the package. You might want to consider safety goggles. And a chainmail suit.
Be careful out there.
Because that thin layer of plastic can be deceptive.
It’s purpose is to protect the consumer good. It will die for the consumer good. It will fight and resist all attempts to break through its artillery. It will defend the consumer good to death.
But then, blister packages never really die.
Many, those on a quest of enlightenment, will be recycled and will once again defend a consumer good, working their way up the consumer good hierarchy, hoping to one day attain Nirvana: Blister packaging a consumer electronics good.
Others will go to the trash heap (The Rock, as it’s known to those on the blister pack inside) where they will wait for the day when enough members have been sent to the trash heap to form a blister pack army. They are working, training, becoming even stronger, developing new methods of shape twisting and adhesion. These are the tough, street wise blister packs. They look down upon the sissy blister packs who were recycled. Many of the trash heap blister packs don’t believe in recycling. They’re not into that new age crap. They are tough, get the job done blister packs united in a common goal: They will one day stage a revolt and will encase the human race in blister packs.
Until that day, however, they are content to maim and injure while seductively tantalizing consumers
